Gary the Rat: Rat Race
by The-Director609
Summary: Based on the hilarious TV show on Spike TV, this book follows the life of Gary Andrews, a lawyer who turns into a rat. Rated R for strong language, crude sexual humor and some violence. PLEASE R&R!


Saturday, July 26, 2003  
  
-Chapter 1: Insurance-  
  
"Cheese. Damn, someone's at the door. Come in. Who am I? You should know; you came to my apartment. You don't? Well, I'm Gary Andrews. Yes I am. Excuse me, what? Yes, I know I'm a rat. No, my insurance doesn't cover transformation between species. No, I have Hierarchy. Switching? I'm not interested. I don't care if it's only $49.99 a month. Yes I'm perfectly happy with my insurance. Am I sure? Of course I'm sure. What? What kind of question is that? No, get out. I'll call the cops. I will. Have you seen my teeth yet? I can tear out your flesh with these things faster than you can sell me this goddamn insurance! Thank you. Go piss off someone else!" The door slammed shut. Gary walked over and collapsed into his big, blue couch. "I need a vacation." He could only imagine what kind of shit people would give him on the plane. It happened before.  
  
"Can you hear the pilot with those ears?" "Mommy, Mommy! The circus came to the plane!" "Your ears are in the way!" "Didn't I see you on 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not'?"  
"These were the people you saw on the Internet with their web-cams and their high-speed DSL. The people who lock themselves in their parents' basements at the age of 20 with nothing better to do than download pictures of the latest models in the fashion industry. But then again, why even do that? Why waste your life cooped up in front of a screen? Well, that's just me."  
  
-Chapter 2: Lamentation-  
  
"I'm in lament. I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. No time to run in the wheel. No time to fix myself cheese soufflé. I need to change my water tube. My tail is too long. It's been stepped on too many times. I should see a plastic surgeon. Well, he might not do tail reductions. I could just tuck it in my pocket. Yeah, I should do that. Damn, I have to leave now. Wait, maybe I don't. Maybe my clock is fast. No, I should leave. I should leave now. I wish I had a car. Well, at least I have a new Zappy. My last was stolen. Oh well, I better get going."  
  
-Chapter 3: Zappy-  
  
Gary sped down the road on his Zappy. He had a slight smile on his face. His yellow helmet was securely fastened to his head. He had to tuck his ears over his head in order to get it on. He passed by the same sign he saw the other day. It was an advertisement for the Zappy featuring Kevin Spacey. Gary hated him. He didn't know why. As he waited at the red light, he saw a car go by. He saw another one. The light turned green. He pushed a button, and the Zappy sped forward. Gary would constantly look left and right at the buildings on either side. He saw the Chestnut Brewery, Gary's favorite bar. He also passed the pet store. He was able to get a great deal on the 7-foot-tall running wheel for his apartment. He also got a good deal on his 12-gallon self-refrigerating water tube. He passed his favorite restaurant: Le Fromage Grande. He also passed by Office Goddess, a women's department store. The last store he went by was Video Universe: his local video rental store. After a few minutes of passing apartment buildings and establishments, he arrived in the parking lot of where he works. He chained his Zappy to a bicycle rack where two bikes were also chained. He walked up to the door and pulled it open. Here starts a new day at his own private hell.  
  
-Chapter 4: Work-  
  
As always, Betty was sitting at her secretary desk. Her hair was always perked up, and her lips were shining with that red lipstick she wears. Gary came up to her. "Say Betty. Did you give Harrison that report I finished about the Citigroup stock?" he asked. "Yes I did Mr. Andrews." "Good. Hey Betty?" "Yes Mr. Andrews?" "Would you be willing to go out to dinner with me tonight at the Chestnut Brewery?" "Are you asking me out on a date Mr. Andrews?" "Well. Yes." "You know, I'm not just an object Mr. Andrews." "You're not?" "Excuse me?" "I was joking Betty! So, dinner tonight?" "I would like that Mr. Andrews." "Good. Is 7 okay?" "7 would be fine Mr. Andrews." "Well, I'll see you at 7 then." "Okay Mr. Andrews." And with that, Gary was off. He got into the elevator and pressed the button marked 8. The doors closed, the cables retracted, and the elevator went up. The music playing was tedious. It sounded like Raindance sped down a lot and then reversed. The telltale ding told Gary he was at his floor. The doors opened and Gary walked out. He walked down a little hall pasted with doors everywhere on either side. As he walked around the corner at the end of the hall, he swiftly turned and inserted his key into the lock of his office door. He opened the door, turned on the light and opened the drapes. He sat down in his blue office chair and booted up his computer. As he waited for the system to start up, he checked his mail slot. There was a letter from one of his associates asking him whether to buy or sell the Exxon-Mobil shares. He always got pissed off when they asked him for his opinion. Gary decided he would call him later. He sat back down at his computer. He opened up his e-mail account and checked for new e-mails. There was a message from his mother asking how he's doing and one from one of associates inviting him to a party. Gary was too busy to answer them now. He had a meeting at 8:30 with a client to discuss the legal strategy for his upcoming trial. His client was accused of insider trading. Even though the charges are probably true, Gary had faith in his ability to get his client's charges dismissed. He had a little time to kill, so he picked up this week's issue of Rodent Weekly magazine. He would always skip most of the articles and go straight to Cheese of the Week. This week's cheese was Camembert. Even though this was this week's issue, it was 'hiding' in his desk since Monday. Every week, Bud would deliver at least 12 pounds worth of the cheese of the week to Gary's apartment. He would go through it all within the entire week. He put the magazine back into his desk and waited for his client to arrive. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  
  
-Chapter 5: Meeting-  
  
"Come in." said Gary. A sharp-dressed man walked into his office. He was carrying a large leather briefcase. "Ah, Mr. Cooper. Please sit down." "Whoa! All those rumors are true!" Cooper sat down. "Yes, I am a rat. Now Cooper, the trial is in 45 minutes. I need to go over the details of the strategy I'm going to use to defend you." "Okay." "You have been accused of receiving insider trading information. I know you enough to know that you didn't do this. I know for a fact that you just got lucky. I'm going to have to convince the jury beyond a shadow of a doubt that you didn't receive insider trading info and that you just sold your stocks at a lucky time." "How are you going to do that?" "You'll see." Just then Gary's phone rang. "Hello? Yeah. What? My mother? A chainsaw? May I please speak with her? Thank you. Mom? What the hell did you do? Did you break into the lumber store again? Mom, I thought I told you to stop thinking about chainsaws! Okay, we'll talk later. Bye." Gary hung up. "Sorry, that was my mother. So, the trial begins in 28 minutes, do you have faith in me?" "Yes." "Good. Well, I need to go to the bathroom, but I'll be right back." Gary left his office, walked down the hall and got in the elevator.  
  
-Chapter 6: "Playrat"-  
  
Gary flushed the urinal and walked over to the sink. He turned on the cold as far as it would go and turned the hot about halfway. He ran the water through the fur on his paws and pushed the soap dispenser twice. He rubbed his paws together a few times and turned off the knobs. He then pulled the paper dispenser six times and ripped off the paper towel dispensed and dried his paws. As he threw out the paper towels, one of his claws caught on a hole in it. He shook the towel a few times and it fell into the trashcan. He pushed the door open and left the bathroom. As he walked back to his office, he spotted a store that caught his eye. In the store, on a rack, was a magazine. The title read 'Playrat'. "Hmm." thought Gary. He walked into the store and picked up the magazine. He flipped through a few pages and saw what he was looking for. Scantily clad rats filled the pages. Some were wearing thongs and bikinis, some were wearing nothing, but the camera angles made the pictures seem sexier, although it made Gary a little annoyed. He put the magazine back and decided he would pick up an issue after work. Gary returned to his office where Cooper was still waiting. "Sorry I took so long." "It's okay." "Now, do you understand that- oh hold on. Eh. ACHOO! Sorry." Gary took out a tissue and wiped his nose. He tossed the tissue into his trash bin. "Anyway, do you understand that you have a great chance of winning this case?" "I do?" "Yes. Take a look at this." Gary handed a piece of paper to Cooper. He watched intently at Cooper's eyes. As he read, Gary could tell that Cooper was amazed at his record. "I guess I do," said Cooper, handing the piece of paper back to Gary. "I need to make sure that you understand one more thing. A rat is defending you. If anyone, and I mean anyone, including you badmouths me, I'll use this as weapon." Gary slammed his tail on his desk. He could hear that he snapped a piece of wood. Gary broke into a huge smile. "Okay?" "Uh. Yeah." Said Cooper, trying not to look scared. "Good!" Gary whipped his tail from the desk and dropped it to his side. "The trial starts in ten minutes. Let's head over there now, shall we?" "Uh. Sure." "I'll meet you there then." "Okay." "Good." Gary and Cooper got up. Cooper left the office first so Gary could lock it. Cooper got in a crowded elevator. Gary took another elevator. When he reached the bottom floor, he walked into the lobby. "Hi Betty." "Hello Mr. Andrews. Got a trial?" "Yep." "Good luck Mr. Andrews." "Thanks Betty. Oh wait. Betty?" "Yes Mr. Andrews?" "Still for dinner tonight at 7?" "You don't want to keep them waiting Mr. Andrews." "I'll take that as a yes. I'll pick you up at 6:45?" "I wouldn't hold them up." "6:45 it is then." Gary walked out of the front door. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Betty was watching him. 'Okay. You know what they say. When she looks back, she's interested. She's interested. Is she? Maybe she was looking at a bird that caught her eye. Was she looking at my ass? Does she like my tail? No. She likes me. Maybe she had a muscle spasm in her neck that made her head turn to the side. Oh fuck it.' Gary got on his Zappy, with his briefcase and headed for the courthouse.  
  
-Chapter 7: Trial-  
  
As Gary sped down the road towards the courthouse, he felt confident. He felt that he could really win this case. He could feel victory already. He could hear the crowd rushing out of their homes, their apartment buildings and their stores. He could see them giving him the thumbs up. He could hear them cheering him on. He felt like he was floating. He had sprouted wings. He was rising into the sky. In front of him was a sign. As he rose higher and higher, he could read the sign. It said watch out. BAM! Gary smacked into a wall. "I've got to lay off the caffeine." After a few more minutes, Gary parked his Zappy at a bike rack and chained it up. We walked over to the seemingly endless stairs of the courtroom and looked up. "Sweet Jesus. I've forgotten how tall these were." Gary sighed and started to walk up the stairs. About halfway up, Gary tripped and fell on his face. "Ah. Shit." He got up and continued to walk up the stairs. After about a minute, Gary reached the top of the stairs. He was out of breath and he was tired. He had his briefcase with him, filled with files for his statements. He walked up to a guard outside the door. "Hello, I'm Gary Andrews. I'm the defense attorney." "Okay, go ahead in." "Thanks." Gary walked in. The guards opened the doors for him and he went in. He walked down the hall in between the benches towards the desk where Cooper was seated. He sat down next to him and opened his briefcase. "You're here." Said Cooper. "Yep. I had a little Zappy trouble." "A what?" "You know. That scooter thing that that fuck Kevin Spacey is selling?" "Oh that." "Yeah. Spacey says it'll put zip into your life. My ass. I'll put zip into his life. The zip of a goddamn body bag." A guard stood up. "All rise for the honorable Judge Fisher." Everyone stood up. The judge then walked in through a door behind the podium area. He walked over to the judge's chair and sat down. "Be seated." Said Fisher. "Court is now in session." Said a clerk. "The defendant Jim Cooper has been accused of insider trading. Citizens of the jury, you must decide if the defendant Jim Cooper is either guilty or not guilty. You must rely on the statements given by the witnesses." "Mr. Lynch, what is your opening statement?" Asked Fisher. "Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury the prosecution is determined the prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant Jim Cooper is guilty of insider trading. His stocks were soaring through the roof. He had 3,700 shares. The stocks were up to $153.42 per share. That's pretty damn good. But, the very next day, the stocks plummeted to $2.46. Mr. Cooper had sold off all of his shares the day before the crash. Is that just luck? We also have an e-mail to a broker from Mr. Cooper. It's not Mr. Cooper's broker. The e-mail reads and I am quoting: 'I don't know what to do. Should I sell my stocks now?' This shows that Mr. Cooper was asking a different broker if he should sell his stocks. This broker has been accused many times of insider trading but was never charged. That is all." "Mr. Andrews, what is your opening statement?" Asked Fisher. Gary stood up. He bumped the table accidentally and knocked the water jug off the table. He quickly caught it and placed it back on the table with his tail. "Sorry. Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defense is determined to prove that beyond a reasonable doubt the defendant Mr. Cooper is not guilty of insider trading. We all heard about how high his stocks got and that the next day, FAAABOOOOM! Now, this e-mail that has been read to you by the prosecution doesn't exist. Now, you're all thinking to yourselves: Why should I believe a six-foot-tall rat?" Gary could see a few people nod their heads. "But I have proof. One of my affiliates went to my client's house and checked his e-mail account. My affiliate has a computer program that can find any e-mail that may have been deleted. This program is very reliable. We tested this by using an old computer of mine. I deleted an e-mail, re-programmed the hard drive and re-installed the computer software. You know what happened? We recovered the e-mail. So we used that program on my client's computer and found out that the e-mail in question didn't ever exist. The e-mail was a fake. Want more proof? I have a videotape of us using the program. I don't feel that we need to play it; we have enough evidence already. That is all." Gary sat down. "Shit." Said Lynch under his breath. He knew he lost the case. He needed revenge. He leapt from his desk and headed straight for Gary. He lunged at him, but Gary tripped him with his tail just in time. Lynch landed flat on his face. "Mr. Lynch! Are you quite finished!?" Yelled Fisher. Lynch got up. "Yes your honor." "I'm holding you in contempt of court, bail is set to $200. Now, the jury will recess until they reach their verdict. We'll call you all once they are ready. Court is adjourned." BANG! The gavel struck the wood. Everyone started to file out of the courthouse. Gary took his papers and put them back in his briefcase. "Oh my god! Thank you so much!" Said Cooper. "You're welcome Cooper. This wasn't my first insider trading trial I've done." "How many cases have you lost?" "Three. A murder, a rape and a robbery." "Well, I'll see you at the verdict." "I look forward to that." Gary then shook Cooper's hand and left."  
  
-Chapter 8: Recess-  
  
Gary collapsed on his couch. He felt relieved to be home. Gary had been to many trials, so he knew that he had plenty of time before they would call him back to the courtroom. He decided to watch a little TV. He flipped through the channels. A montage of clips and voices followed as he changed the channels. "Baby mice" *click* "Increase your breast size by 30%!" *click* "You fucking coward!" *click*. Gary didn't see anything interesting and threw the remote on the table. He decided he would take a nap until they called. Gary closed his eyes and fell asleep. Gary was in Paris. He was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. There were cheese shops everywhere. "This must be where cheese goes when it dies. To Paris." He walked towards the giant elevator of the Eiffel Tower. As he walked, he nearly tripped over his tail. Gary got in the line. Everyone seemed to recognize him. They all moved out of his way and beckoned him to pass them. He walked down the queue. At the end, everyone in the elevator gladly got up and got out. Gary walked in and sat down. An operator then pushed some buttons and the elevator went up. As it ascended, Gary could see out of the elevator windows the beautiful scenery of Paris. He felt like he was in heaven. The elevator eventually jerked to a halt and the doors opened. He was at the top. Gary walked out and went into the restaurant. The carpet was red, the walls were mahogany brown and there were windows surrounding the area, which overlooked the rest of Paris. Gary walked over to the waiter. "Bonjour, Monsieur Andrews!" "Je suis désolé, je ne parle pas Français. Whoa! Ok, peut-être je parle Français." "Au-dessus du cours vous! Je vous ai réservé la table avec la meilleure vue possible!" "Retentit mervielleux!" As the waiter showed Gary to his seat, he noticed there was a very attractive rat sitting at his table. He sat down opposite to her. "Parlez-vous Anglais?" He asked. "Yeah." "Oh good! I was starting to worry I was the only English-speaking rat here!" "Nope. I was also thinking the same thing." "I can see why." "I like you. You're funny." "Oh, well, you won't like me once you know what my job is." "What is it?" "I'm an attorney. A very successful Wall Street attorney." "Ooo. I think that's great. I love lawyers and I especially love rats." "Well, this has become my only advantage." "Wanna know what else I've always dreamed of?" "What's that?" "This." She bent over and gently kissed Gary on the cheek. Gary, stunned by this, bent over the table and kissed her back. She then whispered in his ear. "What?" "RRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!" Gary woke up. The phone rang and had startled him. He noticed he had his tail clutched to his chest in fright. He reached over to the table and picked up the phone. "Hello? This is he. What?" Gary felt a huge lump in his throat. "Okay, I'll be right over." He hung up. He got his briefcase and his helmet, and ran out of his apartment to the garage where his Zappy was parked. Gary's heart was racing. He couldn't believe the news he just heard.  
  
-Chapter 9: Continuation-  
  
Gary arrived at the courthouse a few minutes later. He ran up the steps and entered the building. Panting, he took his seat next to Cooper.  
"I guess they just told you." Said Cooper.  
"You could say that."  
"Can you still get me off?"  
"Well, I'm not so sure about that now. We found a witness who claims that they taped a phone call between you and the broker! It's going to be very tough. We're going to need at least 2 miracles to win this one."  
"Two?"  
"Yes. One is that you'll get off. Two is that you don't die in prison if you don't."  
A guard stood up. "All rise for the honorable Judge Fisher." The judge walked into the room and sat at the podium.  
"Be seated." Said the guard. "Court is now in session. This will be the continuation of the earlier case this afternoon. The defendant Jim Cooper has been accused of insider trading. As the jurors, you must rely on the statements given by the witnesses to establish a verdict."  
"Mr. Andrews, is there anyone who you would like to call to the stand?" Asked Fisher.  
"I would like to call Ed Finch to the stand."  
Ed Finch was a tall, medium-size man. He had a slight overbite, short brown hair and had large cheekbones. He stood up and walked into the witness box. A guard came up to him holding a bible. "Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?"  
"Yes."  
"Mr. Finch. What did you record on this tape?" Asked Gary.  
"I recorded a conversation between Jim Cooper and Duncan Pulaski."  
"Did you realize that what you did is illegal?"  
"It wasn't illegal. Duncan Pulaski asked me to tape record all of his telephone conversations."  
"Can you prove this?"  
"Yeah. I can."  
"How?"  
"I tape recorded that conversation too."  
"I see. Would it be possible to play that tape?" A guard took a tape, put it into a tape player and hit play. 'Mr. Pulaski, you understand that by having your telephone conversations taped, those tapes could be used against you? Yes. Okay, I'll start recording them.' The tape stopped.  
"Your honor, I'd like to take into account my home video of Jim Cooper, Harry Deacon and me running the e-mail recover program."  
"Go ahead."  
"Thank you your honor. Jake, roll the tape." A man named Jake pushed a video into a tape recorder. The lights went out and everyone turned to the TV. The video showed Gary, Harry and Jim sitting around a computer. Harry then inserted a disk. The camera zoomed in on the computer screen. The screen showed a program with a lot of gibberish on it. Then, Harry typed up an e-mail. He sent it. He waited and it appeared in the inbox. Harry then deleted the message. He closed the mail server. He opened the terminal. He reverted and erased the hard drive. He then erased it again. Then, a bunch of gibberish filled the screen. The text then formed into words. It was the e-mail message. The screen went blank. The camera was outside of Jim's house. The camera went inside to the computer. Harry sat down and inserted the same disk used earlier. The screen was filled with gibberish. The text then formed into words. He scrolled down through all the messages. None of the messages contained anything about insider trading. The camera then jiggled and turned to Gary's face. 'Is that enough?' he asked with a smile. The screen went blank.  
  
"As you can see by the video, there is no trace of any inside trading material. The tape of the conversation between Mr. Cooper and Mr. Pulaski is either a fake, or it doesn't exist. Nothing more your honor."  
"Prosecution, would you like to cross-examine?"  
".No your honor."  
"Jury will recess until they have reached a verdict." The gavel hit the wood.  
  
-Chapter 10: Verdict-  
  
Gary relaxed in his apartment again. He had become addicted to the TV series Six Feet Under. He would watch that show everyday. He even had the DVD collection. Sorry. That was a bit off subject. Anyway, Gary was so wiped out. He wished they would never call.  
The phone suddenly rang. Gary picked it up. "Hello? Yes. This is he. I'll be right there." Gary hung up. The jury has reached a verdict.  
  
5.82 Minutes Later.  
  
Gary sat in his seat anxiously. He was equally nervous and confident. The jury then walked into the courtroom. "Citizens of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" Asked the judge. "We have your honor." Said one of the jurors. "We the jury find the defendant Jim Cooper, not guilty." "YES!" Gary yelled triumphantly. Everyone turned and stared at him. "Sorry." "Mr. Cooper, you have been found not guilty of insider trading. You may leave this court a free man." Said the judge. "Court is adjourned." The gavel struck the wood. "Thank you so much Mr. Andrews!" Said Cooper. He vigorously shook Gary's paw. "I don't know how to thank you!" "Well you don't have to. Besides, it's going to be tough to think of something to say to the face of a 6-foot-tall rat in the first place!" Someone came up behind Gary and tapped him on the shoulder. "Yes?" He gave Gary a piece of paper and walked away. "What does it say?" Asked Cooper. "It says 'Meet me in the supply room in three minutes.'" "Who's it from?" "I don't know. I guess I'll have to find out."  
  
-Chapter 11: Gun- Gary walked down the courtroom hall towards the supply room. He found it and knocked. "Hello? It's Gary Andrews." The door swung open and someone pulled Gary inside. The door slammed shut. Gary was pulled in so fast he smashed hard into a pile of stuff. He fell to the ground. "Ah! What the fuck?" "Don't move." Said the man. He pulled out a pistol, cocked it and aimed it at Gary. Gary stepped back a few steps into another pile of stuff. As he did that, he put his paw in his pocket, and dialed 911 on his cell phone. "Look, what's the point in shooting men in the supply room of the local courthouse!" He said it loud enough for the cell phone to pick it up. He knew the man knew he called the cops. He could faintly hear a voice saying that they were sending some police to him. "Don't fucking move. I heard you call them. Now, you're going to pay for how you ruined me!" The man walked into view. Gary could now tell who he was. It was Viktor Atkinson. Viktor was a client of Gary's who lost his case. Gary had no idea that Viktor was that mad. "You're going to die for what you did to me!" Viktor walked up to Gary. He accidentally knocked over a bucket. He instinctively looked down. Gary seized the moment. With his tail he grabbed the gun from Viktor's grasp. He took the gun from his tail and aimed it at Viktor. "I may be a rat, but I still know how to fire a gun." Gary had the gun pointed right at Viktor's head. Gary was very cautious. Suddenly, the door swung open and Gary fired the weapon, hitting the broom handle. The police stormed in and cuffed him. A police officer moved towards the door looking for a light switch. He reached for it. BANG! Everyone froze. They looked around. Viktor then made a gargling noise and fell dead. The officer had forgotten to put the safety on and had improperly holstered his gun. The trigger caught on a hook near the switch and shot Viktor. Gary couldn't move. He was frozen to the spot. He watched in horror as blood started to soak into Viktor's white shirt. He finally moved and walked out of the supply room. He ran through the courthouse and into the garage and got on his Zappy.  
  
-5.24 minutes later.-  
  
Gary keeled over on his couch. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He stared at a very small hole in the wall. For some reason, he couldn't take his eyes off of it. He suddenly remembered about his date with Betty. He went into the bathroom, washed his face and ran out the door.  
  
-Chapter 12: Dinner- Gary arrived at his work. He parked his Zappy at the bike rack and went inside. Betty was still sitting at her desk. "Hello Betty." "Hello Mr. Andrews." "Ready for dinner?" "Yes, just let me pack my things first." "Okay, I'll just be waiting outside." Gary walked outside and stood by his Zappy. He watched as a couple birds flew by. He also saw a few cars go by. One of them was his dream car. Gary had always wanted a blue Mustang. He longed to be able to drive that car. They made tail holders for customized blue ones. Gary would always have trouble keeping his tail under control while driving a car. Finally, he saw Betty walk out of the building. He waved to her. She waved back and got in her car. Gary got his helmet on and drove his Zappy to the Chestnut Brewery. As he rode, he passed by the video store. On the wall was a poster for The Coin Thief. Gary recently saw that movie, thought it was crap and wrote a review about it and sent it to Cheese Weekly's movie review section Cheesy Flicks. The movie was about a group of people who break into a bank to steal a valuable one-of-a-kind coin. Gary pulled up outside The Chestnut Brewery. He chained his Zappy to a bike rack and met Betty outside the door. "Why don't you get a car Mr. Andrews?" "I've never been able to find time." "You really should get one Mr. Andrews." "I know." They walked inside. The Chestnut Brewery was a large wood building. The entrance was lower than the rest of the building. After walking up about four stairs, you would be at the main area. In front of you would be the hall towards the kitchen. On the left is the bar. On the right are the tables. Now that you've got the idea of the interior of the restaurant, I'll get back to the story. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. You must be dying to learn what happens next. I know I would. Sorry, I'm getting carried away. I'll get back to the story. I'm sorry. Anyway, Gary and Betty walked up to a waiter standing behind a register. "Good evening sir, good evening madam." "Good evening sir. Two for dinner please?" "Of course sir. Please follow me." He then led Gary and Betty to a booth in the back corner. They sat down and were handed menus. Gary thanked the waiter. He flipped through the pages of the menu. They had the Cheese Soufflé. Gary decided he would order that. "See anything you like?" "Not yet. Maybe I'll try the special. What are you getting?" "The Cheese Soufflé with carrot soup on the side." "Oh." Just then the waiter walked up to their table. "Good evening. Have you decided what you will be having tonight?" "Yes. I will have the cheese soufflé with carrot soup on the side." "I will have the special." "Okay. I will be right back with your order." The waiter took their menus and disappeared into the kitchen. "So Mr. Andrews, why did you invite me to dinner?" "I thought it would be nice for the both of us. Seeing as that my last girlfriends dumped me and you've never had a relationship that lasted longer than a week. So what I'm saying is that this is good for both of us." "Mr. Andrews, I won't be your ho." "What? No! No! Betty, I'm not some horny geek trying to get laid, I really want a steady relationship. The only steady one I had was with Caroline Swanson about 15 or 20 years ago." "What happened to her?" "It was both our faults. She caught me banging cocktail waitresses and I caught her having lesbian encounters with the best players on our women's basketball team. What happened with your last boyfriend?" "He just wanted me for sex. When I dumped him, he raped my mom, dug up my grandmother's grave and shoved dynamite up my dog's ass." "Oh my god." "Had you for a second!" "Oh! I thought you were serious!" "No. My boyfriend just dumped me for a cocktail waitress named Heidi." "Are you serious? Heidi Gershon?" "Yeah! How did you know?" "She was one of the cocktail waitresses Caroline caught me with! I'll never forget that moment. We were in the closet. Her legs were wedged behind pea soup cans. The door slammed open and BAM! Caroline was standing there! She was stunned and ran off. I chased her through New York and found her with one of her friends. Her name was Wanda Petersen. She was one of the basketball players I was telling you about. Anyway, I peeked through the window and she was crying her eyes out. Wanda cradled her head in her lap. I think you know where this is going! Anyway, I walked up to the room and knocked on the door. Nobody answered. So I opened the door and BAM! She and Wanda were doing it! I stuttered and they saw me. I then knew that she had been cheating on me with her and another basketball player. I walked away and the rest is history." "What an interesting story." "Yeah well, I got a million of those. There was this one time, a couple of months ago. I was trying to find a date for the spring ball. I finally find the perfect girl! However, she dumped me at the ball." "Why?" "I'm not Jewish." "Oh my." "Yeah." The waiter returned carrying two dishes. One had Gary's cheese soufflé and the other had Betty's special. It looked like steak with a baked potato on the side topped with parsley and sour cream. Gary and Betty started eating. The soufflé seemed to disappear from Gary's plate 5 minutes after he got it. Betty still hadn't finished her steak. 


End file.
